In reality, I’m not going on any kind of tour any time soon, let alone one where I could demand ridiculous things on a tour rider. Still, driving my little Hourcar back from band practice the other night, I found myself daydreaming this list of seven things I’d want on my tour rider:
1) 12 oz. cans of Diet Coke, 2x
You could prove to me that they literally juice the festering organs of long-dead poisoned rats to flavor Diet Coke and I would still drink it. But I don’t want a whole case hanging around because I’ll drink too many. I’m good with two.
2) 16 oz. or larger bag of peanut M&M’s, 1x
Peanut M&M’s are not my favorite candy, but they are the candy I want around most often. The peanut M&M is a reliable candy. It is the cheese pizza of candy.
3) Sad little vegetable tray, 1x
Give me that classic shit. Weirdly-moist baby carrots. Two stalks of rubbery celery cut into twelve servings. Broccoli a few more colors of green than broccoli should be. Ranch dip on ice. Awkwardly-cut cauliflower. I’ll eat it all, I don’t care. The sad little vegetable tray that’s just for you says “You’re somebody! Not, like, a dignitary, clearly, but somebody!”
4) Room temperature water in sealed bottles, 6x. (NO DASANI.)
This is on a lot of riders. Cold water is harder on your voice, and open-topped pitchers of water make me nervous. I haven’t spilled one yet but it’s a matter of time.
5) Sealed pack of index cards, 1x.
Blank preferred. Lined acceptable. Gotta keep stocked.
6) NO BREAD.
“If there is bread on the premises the performance will be canceled without refund.”
7) A whole rotisserie turkey, 1x.
You gotta have something on there to make the intern exclaim, “Are you fucking kidding me?” and then have to call all over town to find some place that sells it. It’s tradition.