The weapon debate is interesting — axe vs. shovel, shotgun vs. rifle — but in my zombie survival daydreams, it’s all about accessories. Here are seven items to acquire right quick when the dead start walking:
1) Crisco
Crisco will give you an advantage against that crazy zombie grip strength.
Just coat your damn self in it. Like a greased pig, baby.
2) A compact mirror
They’re behind you. They’re always behind you.
It doesn’t have to be a Unicorn Sparkle mirror but I don’t see how that could hurt.
3) Tear-away pants
In case the Crisco isn’t enough.
Also handy if you get so scared you poop yourself.
4) A chain maille glove
Like the ones chefs use.
Bites might still crush your fingers, but the glove should give you a fighting chance against infection. Also necessary for safe mandolin usage. Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean you have to deprive yourself of finely sliced meats and cheeses.
5) Steel-toe boots
Not great for hiking, but for standard patrols you’d better believe I’ve got steel-toed boots on.
There’s a lot of kicking away zombies while climbing ladders or under cars or fences. The more protection the better! (I fully expect the first wave of zombie victims to be clad in flip-flops and similarly impractical shoes).
6) Air horns
Startle human enemies, call for help, redirect zombie hordes, or tape down the handle and launch a sonic distraction.
7) Grappling hook and rope
Why do characters sleep at ground level?! That’s where the zombies are you idiots. Climb! Climb! Elevators will not be working. Gates and doors will be locked. Zombies will, in all likelihood, not be found in the tops of trees. Rope, a hook, and any other climbing gear is critical.
Only the mall ninja will survive.
*** Originally published as List No. 48 of the 7x77 newsletter project.