No. 68 | Seven things I can’t imagine doing in public

You do you, I’ll do me. Here are seven things I can’t imagine ever doing in public (or perhaps anywhere)…

1) Wearing sweatpants more than two blocks from my apartment.

Sweats to take out the trash or let the dog out? Sure. Sweats to grab a Gatorade at the corner store? I’ll allow it. Sweats to get ice from the hotel icemaker? Overdressed, really. That’s about it, though.

2) Leaving my chair out.

We live in a society.

3) Being hypnotized.

I don’t want to get Winter Soldiered. I am on guard against hypnosis at all times. Yet some people march up on stage and let a professional do it to them on purpose. They volunteer! 

4) Getting a chair massage.

I’ve had sex in public places but somehow a chair massage seems too intimate.

5) Watching video without headphones.

We live. in. a. society.

6) Asking for someone’s number at the grocery store.

Truthfully I imagine doing this all the time, I just can’t imagine actually doing it.

7) Performing a John Mayer song.

Imagine you go to a comedy open mic night and someone’s routine is an impression of Dave Coulier, a comedian known for his impressions. This is how I feel watching fellow 30-something white men with acoustic guitars cover John Mayer songs. It’s in some sort of uncanny performance valley and it makes me very uncomfortable. No thank you.

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