No. 48 | Seven accessories for surviving a zombie apocalypse

The weapon debate is interesting — axe vs. shovel, shotgun vs. rifle — but in my zombie survival daydreams, it’s all about accessories. Here are seven items to acquire right quick when the dead start walking:

1) Crisco

Crisco will give you an advantage against that crazy zombie grip strength.

Photograph of an old 3 lb. canister of Crisco: "for cakes, pastry, frying"

Just coat your damn self in it. Like a greased pig, baby.

2) A compact mirror

They’re behind you. They’re always behind you.

Screenshot of a compact for sale on the Claire's website.

It doesn’t have to be a Unicorn Sparkle mirror but I don’t see how that could hurt.

3) Tear-away pants

In case the Crisco isn’t enough.

Animated GIF of G.O.B. Bluth (Arrested Development) ripping off his tear-away tuxedo pants.

Also handy if you get so scared you poop yourself. 

4) A chain maille glove

Like the ones chefs use.

Product photo of a chain maille glove.

Bites might still crush your fingers, but the glove should give you a fighting chance against infection. Also necessary for safe mandolin usage. Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean you have to deprive yourself of finely sliced meats and cheeses.

5) Steel-toe boots

Not great for hiking, but for standard patrols you’d better believe I’ve got steel-toed boots on.

Screenshot of a lime green boot for sale.

There’s a lot of kicking away zombies while climbing ladders or under cars or fences. The more protection the better! (I fully expect the first wave of zombie victims to be clad in flip-flops and similarly impractical shoes).

6) Air horns

Startle human enemies, call for help, redirect zombie hordes, or tape down the handle and launch a sonic distraction.

7) Grappling hook and rope

Why do characters sleep at ground level?! That’s where the zombies are you idiots. Climb! Climb! Elevators will not be working. Gates and doors will be locked. Zombies will, in all likelihood, not be found in the tops of trees. Rope, a hook, and any other climbing gear is critical.

Collage of mall ninja climbing accessories from an Amazon product listing.

Only the mall ninja will survive.

Originally published as List No. 48 of the 7x77 newsletter project.
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